“Don’t Send Me Flowers When I’m Dead”: The Gift of a Living Eulogy

In 2003, when I was 23 years old and my Nana was 79, I wrote a humorous piece about her that I titled, “Nana Banana.” Half-ode, half-roast, it served as a living eulogy to honor one of the women who raised me.

Nan talked about death a lot. It was alarming to me as a kid, and annoying to me as a young adult. “Nan, stop! Jeez, stop talking about dying!” In addition to planning her own funeral in detail and bemoaning the fact that she was still alive each day for the last ten years of her life, one of her recurring statements was, “Don’t send me flowers when I die if you don’t send me flowers now.” In lieu of flowers, I wrote a little tribute piece to Nan and presented it to her. A lot of it was tongue-in-cheek, poking fun at her habits and, as she would call them, “peccadilloes.”

Nan laughed with body-shaking laughter the first time she read it. She then folded the document in half and stuffed it into the cushion of her chair (which we called her “nest”), proudly pulling it out to share with company and visitors for years to come. Very often she would read excerpts aloud and chuckle in her chair. She kept that piece in her nest until she died in 2018, three days shy of her 94^th birthday.

Over the years, I got to see that little amateur writing make an old woman smile. She felt seen and felt loved and was so proud to have been the subject of her granddaughter’s writing.

This is the sort of gift I think we should give more of.

Over countless funerals and eulogies and speeches at memorial services, I hear people share with a room full of people things they never shared with their deceased loved one.

And that shouldn’t be.

It can be hard to express true appreciation for someone close to us, especially if they also happen to drive us nuts. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it.

Think of 5-10 people close to you. If one of them died RIGHT NOW- would they know how you feel about them? What you admire and appreciate about them? How they impacted your life? The special place they hold in your memories?

If not, pick one. And write. It can be sappy and sweet or lovingly smartass. It can be three lines or 30. But they need to hear it. And you need to say it. Get some things down on paper and present them to this person ASAP. While they are still here to read it.

Below are some prompts to get you writing:

What I’ve always loved about you is…

The funniest memory I have of you is…

You taught me…

I will always remember…

I love when you…

Your cutest quirk is…

Something I begrudgingly like about you is…

I so appreciate your…

Get writing. While they are still here to read it.